Anger is a particularly destructive quality, and Shabbos is a special time when we are to make an extra effort to avoid anger. This can prove to be a difficult challenge, though, as Shabbos is the time when family members spend long hours together at the table, and can sometimes find themselves arguing and becoming angry with one another.

Our rabbis taught us that the greatest secret to avoiding anger, and overcoming the natural tendency to react to adversity with angry outbursts, is vittur — giving in, recognizing that most grievances are not worth getting upset about, and most points of disagreement are not worth fighting over. When we train ourselves to give in rather than insist on how we feel things should be, we avoid anger and are much more likely to enjoy success in our endeavors.

Twenty-four years ago, my parents faced a certain problem, and they went to consult with Rav Shach, the famed Rosh Yeshivah of Ponevezh and leader of Klal Yisrael. They asked what they could do as a source of merit with which to earn Hashem’s help, and he answered that the greatest thing they could do is to give in when confronting situations that could potentially result in conflict. This quality is a great source of merit.

Thus, vittur helps us both naturally, safeguarding against anger and friction, and also supernaturally, by giving us a great source of merit with which we earn Hashem’s blessings.

As Rav Shach wrote (Michtavim U’Maamarim, p. 122):

I have been young and have also, thank G-d, passed my eightieth year, and never in my life have I seen people lose by giving in — one only gains from it!

One example of vittur is a story told of Rav Yaakov Kamenetsky, Rosh Yeshivah of Torah Vodaath and leader of American Jewry, who had six children, and followed different customs at the weddings of different children. Some people have the practice that the father and mother escort their child to the chuppah, whereas others have the custom that the two fathers escort the groom and the two mothers escort the bride. Someone observed that Rav Yaakov Kamenetsky followed one custom at some of his children’s weddings, and a different custom at the other weddings. When he was asked about the different customs he observed, Rav Yaakov explained that at each wedding he agreed to follow the other family’s custom. He understood that this divergence of customs is simply not significant enough to warrant an argument, or any kind of tension between the families. And so at each wedding, he asked the other family what their preference was, and agreed to follow that custom.

Perhaps the most striking example of vittur is Rachel Imeinu, who relinquished her chassan to her sister in order to spare her sister shame. To this very day, we reap the benefits of the merits Rachel earned through her heroic act of selflessness. She cries and pleads to Hashem on our behalf, asking that He help us in the merit of her vittur, and this merit will bring us our Final Redemption.

Rav Yosef Shalom Elyashiv was once asked why his esteemed father-in-law, Rav Aryeh Levine, was blessed with such outstanding children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren. He explained that when Rav Aryeh got married, he was so poor that he could not afford a gift to give his new bride in the yichud room, as is customary. Instead of a gift, he told his wife in the yichud room that throughout their marriage, he was committed to always give in and never to insist on his viewpoint. She replied that she, too, made the same commitment. This, Rav Elyashiv explained, was the secret to the peaceful home that they built together, a home that produced outstanding offspring. It all came as a result of their commitment to vittur — to giving in instead of insisting on having their way.

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Rav Shlomo Levenstein tells of a young woman who was getting married, and, as is customary in Eretz Yisrael, her parents and her groom’s parents planned to purchase an apartment for the couple. They found an apartment in Bnei Brak that was perfect — the right size, location, and price. However, when they brought the bride to see the apartment, she looked uneasy. The parents asked her what the problem was, and she explained that the apartment was perfect, but it was in the same building as an apartment in which her unmarried friend, and that friend’s unmarried older sister, lived. The bride was reluctant to move in to an apartment in this building, as this would cause anguish to her friend and her friend’s sister, who were still single.

The girl’s father marveled at her sensitivity, but on the other hand, purchasing this apartment was the realistic option. The families decided to consult with Rav Chaim Kanievsky. They presented their question to Rav Kanievsky, who normally answers questions immediately, on the spot. On this occasion, however, Rav Kanievsky thought for several minutes, and then said that he could not answer this question. He advised them to consult with Rav Aharon Leib Steinman.

The families went to Rav Steinman and presented to him their dilemma. After asking numerous questions about the situation, Rav Steinman said that they could not possibly cause such anguish to the bride’s friend and the friend’s sister, who would see this bride and her husband walking in and out of the building. Instead, Rav Steinman worked out an arrangement with the families whereby they would purchase the apartment and then rent it out while the newlywed couple lived somewhere else. Later, after the friend and her sister married, the couple would move in. The families heeded the sage’s advice, and proceeded to purchase the apartment and begin renovating it in preparation for putting it up for rent.

On the day of the couple’s wedding, the friend’s older sister got engaged. Soon thereafter, just as the renovations in the apartment were completed, the younger sister got engaged. The couple was thus able to move into the newly renovated apartment. They joyfully went back to Rav Steinman to share with him the news, and he made a comment very similar to the remark we cited earlier in the name of Rav Shach: “I have been young and have also aged, and I have never seen a person who gave in and lost as a result.”

By giving in, rather than insisting on having things our way, we only gain.

Of course, this quality of vittur does not come naturally, and requires training. But there are many situations and circumstances that arise on a daily basis that give us opportunities to train ourselves and our children to give in.

A rabbi once told me that his two daughters used to argue every Friday over who gets to shower first. It was decided that they would draw lots for this privilege. Whoever won the lottery got first rights to the shower. The rabbi, however, decided to “tweak” the system a bit, and told the children that whoever wins the drawing gets the right to decide who gets to use the shower first. Interestingly enough, the daughter who won the drawing decided to allow her sister to shower first, rather than exercise her right. This was a simple way of training the children to give in.

Recently, someone parked in front of my driveway, completely blocking my car, and I needed to drive on the sidewalk to a different driveway in order to get where I needed to go. This was a classic situation that lent itself to becoming angry and resentful. But with the quality of vittur, we are able to tell ourselves, “In the grand scheme of things, how important is this? How much does this really matter to me, anyway? Is it worth my emotional energy to get worked up over this injustice?” The secret of vittur is that it “nips it in the bud,” protecting us from anger by not allowing angry thoughts to even enter our minds in the first place.

This is the technique we should be using every day, but especially on Shabbos, the day that is to be a day of peace, joy, and serenity in the home. By training ourselves and our children in the quality of vittur, we can avoid anger and thereby earn all the special blessings and benefits that a joyous, peaceful Shabbos has to offer.

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Reprinted from Embrace Shabbos by Rabbi David Sutton with permission from Artscroll Mesorah.